Becoming a Big Sister For the Fourth Time

FeaturedBecoming a Big Sister For the Fourth Time

On Friday afternoon, I found out something that I’d really like to share with you guys!

My mom is going to have another baby. ❤

I wanted to write a post about this, not only to let you guys know, but also because … well … I have mixed feelings on it.

I wish I could say that I'm excited, and joyful, and really happy about this beautiful news … but because of some deep-rooted fears that I have, I feel way more worried than I do happy.

Here's why.

I'm scared that my mom will have to go through a lot of pain. When she had my little sister Elizabeth last summer, Elizabeth was born via c-section. It took my mom weeks to heal from that, and that time was hard on our whole family, especially me, as we did our best to take care of her and comfort her when she was hurting so much.

I'm scared that others will think we're weird. When people see big families, they tend to put them in a certain category, and that makes me feel so awkward.

I'm scared that others will think I'm a teen mom. I'm not usually the only one caring for Elizabeth when we're out and about, but when I do, people have gotten the wrong impression before. I love having younger siblings – especially babies! – but because I'm afraid of others' opinions, that has taken away my joy.

I'm looking forward to this baby. I can't wait to meet him or her … but that excitement is drowned out for the time being by the worries that are filling my heart.

It will take time to heal from how that hospital stay last June drained me. I'll have to write a post on that sometime soon. And it will take me time to learn that others' opinions aren't what matter. One day, I'll feel better about this, and over the next weeks and months, I will get to the point where I will eagerly anticipate the arrival of my new little sibling.

But for now … I am thinking things through. I am praying. I am giving myself room to heal.

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Throughout my mom's pregnancy, I will be writing more posts about how I'm feeling, how her pregnancy with Elizabeth went, and other life updates. I would deeply appreciate all of your encouragement, support, and prayers.

Thank you so much for reading. ❤

— Maggie

Experiencing This Change

Experiencing This Change

Today is a new day.

I have spent nearly the past year of my life (at least!) living in the belief that past mistakes must dictate my actions for the new day. For the last twelve months especially, I have held things against myself – and my family, too, really struggling with being able to forgive, to let go and exhibit grace. It’s been a bumpy journey, trying to figure out why I’ve felt like this for so long.

The day I realized I was shackled to these sins was the day I could let them go.

I have prayed about this problem often, and now I can see that on my hardest day, at my lowest point, the Lord was still there for me. I’m always unable to see His hand at work until I take a step back – and what I can now see is absolutely breathtaking.

He is able to use every problem, sin, mistake, and shortcoming to lead me back to where I need to be – and He already has.

He has taught me about grace, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, and love.

For the past year of my life, I was too focused on taking care of me, of dealing with my own issues … and I no longer took the time necessary to nurture the beautiful relationships I had with my family. I left them behind in my own despair … and even then, nothing changed. The friendships I had with them were going downhill, as well as my self-esteem – and self-control. Focusing on “taking care” of myself didn’t help at all.

Because I wasn’t looking to the right Person.

The moment I laid all of this baggage, these burdens and worries and past mistakes, all down at the feet of my Lord and Savior, I felt a release. A literal weight was off my shoulders as He took them onto His own.

I had been carrying them for too long.

The pit of despair will take quite a bit of time to get myself out of … but I now know that the Lord and my family are waiting for me at the top. I know that they all long for the moment of my return, when I can finally be the loving person I once was, the caring person I often am, but can definitely be at all times. I’ll no longer have anger, impatience, and problems with forgiveness; they have all shown me the important thing I had left behind these past twelve months.

LOVE.

Love for my family, love for the Lord, and very importantly, love for myself. When I stop judging myself and give it all to Him, it is then that I’m able to love and care for others – not before.

It starts here – in my heart. And the new days that come, including today, will not continue to carry yesterday’s burdens.

I am learning to give, to let go, to learn, and to love.

Today is a new day.

— Maggie

Making the Change ~ Week Five

Making the Change ~ Week Five

As some of you may have read about on Sunday, I have been thinking a lot about my current and future schooling lately. Because of this (and I didn’t realize it until afterward), that was affecting how I was feeling part of last week – thus, I didn’t respond the way I wanted to in different situations.

I’ve also been struggling to figure out what to play with Samuel. Board games? Virtual games? Roleplay? Playing pretend? I need to pray about it and do something in this area o my life, because we haven’t been interacting as much lately, and that makes me sad.

When it comes to Joshua, we enjoy doing some things together – quoting memes, playing a few virtual games, and watching different shows – but it isn’t very much.

In this upcoming week, I desire to reach out to Joshua and Samuel more, whether that’s in playing games with them that they like but that I don’t particularly, or doing an activity with them that they love but I don’t usually participate in. I’ll write about that next week. ❤

This Making the Change series has really taught me to be more conscious of the little things that I do that are not positive. I’m much more aware of the small things I need improving on, which is really helping me to make this change. Thank you all so much for following along. 🙂

You can read the first post of this series here, where I explain things a bit more.

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Making the Change – May 10th through May 17th

~ On Wednesday, we stayed home, so I spent the day with my family. I worked on schoolwork in the morning, and in the mid-afternoon, Elizabeth got to play in the kiddie pool for the first time! She really enjoyed it, although her favorite part was chewing the side of the pool, haha. (My mom talked about in in her Thoughts & Happenings that day!) Throughout the afternoon, I enjoyed having a lot of nice conversations with a blogger I recently met (T.R. Noble) – I loved getting to talk to you!

~ On Thursday, I did more babysitting and played games with my brothers. Joshua built a few roller coasters on our Minecraft server, which we had a great time riding. There were a few disagreements and arguments that happened, but everything got solved.

~ On Friday, my brother and I worked on our schoolwork. I spent a lot of time coloring one of those chemical compound coloring pages I’m currently coloring for chemistry, and I enjoyed listening to Leeland’s album The Great Awakening while I did so. 🙂 I’ll share a picture this Friday.

~ On Saturday, I started reading Death on the Nile, which I’m excited about because it’s one of my favorite Poirot mysteries! That afternoon, I went to the library with my family and found some awesome books (that seems to be happening a lot lately, haha!). Later in the evening, I enjoyed playing fun apps and reading crazy memes with my brother; we were cracking up the whole time.

~ On Sunday (Mother’s Day!), my siblings and I went out with our dad to give my mom some time alone at the house to work on some different things. We went to a park and enjoyed walking/riding on the paved trails through the woods, and we got a nice treat afterward. There was a bit of a quarrel between me and my brother, but everything turned out okay in the end. I ran into Publix before we headed home to pick up a few things we needed. In the evening, I watched some of the Chronicles of Narnia movie with Joshua and my mom (the animation of Aslan was amazing), aaand worked on blog posts some more. I went to bed too late and couldn’t immediately fall asleep, thanks to the caffeinated frappé I’d had around dinner time. lol

~ On Monday, I worked on my schoolwork (including some SAT math prep – woohoo), and watched some more Narnia. Nothing much else happened this day.

~ On Tuesday, my whole family went out on a little outing in the afternoon, and I stayed home to catch up on blog post writing. That helped me so much! Later that afternoon, I played Minecraft with Samuel, which sadly ended in a disagreement, but I’ll be making up for that today (Wednesday).

And on Wednesday, I’ve published this post! Does anyone else have a habit they need to end, a new one they need to start, or a current one that needs changing? If so, I’d like to invite you to join me on this walk of change. It is possible!

I am overcoming anger. What do YOU desire to overcome?

— Maggie