I recently asked a good blogging friend of mine, Bayance, if she’d be interested in writing a guest post for my blog.
In this heartfelt guest post, Bayance opened up about the spiritual and emotional struggles she’s been facing lately, giving us an inside look on how the girl behind the blog has been feeling. Thank you for being so honest!
A Caged Heart: By Bayance
You know those dark thoughts you get when you feel like you’re not enough for society? or that you can’t fit into a certain group? Well sometimes I feel like I’m not enough and worthy either but not for the reasons people do nowadays. I’ve come to a point in my life where I don’t care if others “approve” or “validate” me. I’m not living for you so why would I dedicate my life to suit your opinions, you know? I know there’s a bigger picture. But what happens when you feel like you’re not enough for the Creator? Never feeling prepared for the day where we’ll stand in front of Him? I usually like to keep this topic private but I thought I’d share a bit of how I was feeling for the past year and possibly help someone out there who is going through the same thing. No one? Okay – let’s begin.
This all started last October when my oldest brother had been given Hidayah (guidance gifted from Allah – essentially that aha or *click* moment). He came home and told me that he sincerely repented and that he was set to change his ways. Now my brother wasn’t very religious (I hate using the word religious because it’s like this uncool thing to improve yourself for the afterworld which is the whole point of life in the first place but anyways) – I’m not going to call him out or anything but he was in a dark place throughout high school and just hearing this started my first spiritual breakdown. Basically me crying out of nowhere and my whole family just looking at me like I’m insane.
I’m not too sure what happened but my heart literally felt like it was going to leap out. I didn’t know if I was proud…inspired…sad that I’ve been doing the absolute minimum when it came to Islam? I’m not sure how to describe it to you but it’s like this heaviness in my heart like a fire and it reaches my throat and then my vision goes blurry and blehhh (that was a terrible description but you get the idea). I guess it’s like a normal breakdown but it happens so abruptly and aah I don’t know.
These breakdowns happened when I listened to Islam educators or scholars. For example, I was listening to Nouman Ali Khan and just him mentioning how merciful God is just shattered me. It’s like this pure moment of amazement and submission and then guilt starts to roll in.
• I haven’t done enough
• I’m not ready for Judgement Day
• I can do so much more
• Why can’t I feel anything?
• I don’t deserve all these blessings
• Why me specifically?
• I’m not enough
These aren’t as negative as they look but I just can’t wrap my head around why I was chosen to be gifted with the message of Islam or to have an amazing family and a healthy body and aah alhamdulillah (gratitude to Allah) for everything. And I know people say God planned everything out perfectly and He chose people for a reason but I have a responsibility here. I’ve been put into this life, this human being, for a reason and I don’t know how much I need to do to…repay Him? To prove myself? I’m not sure how to put it to words because God does not need any of his creation and we need him. I remember one time my brother asked what I’ve been doing lately in terms of Quran memorization and additional prayers and I just came back from shopping. I didn’t know what to feel. Guilty? Angry? I am aware of what this world is and why we are here but I can’t help but feel like I’m being sucked into life’s distractions and I know better than that.
I get mad at myself for being able to above and beyond with school, volunteering (which are still important in Islam) but it’s still things that I can see. I can’t imagine not putting my all into the things I do but when comes to the most important thing in the world, I don’t? Why do I feel nothing? Believe me, it is so hard to feel nothing when I’m supposed to feel everything the most. I hate how it has to be someone else to remind me or give me advice when I lose it but I can’t feel anything myself. It’s like there’s a cage over my heart and it’s trying so hard to burst but I don’t know how to unlock it. Ew these metaphors are corny but deal with it.
When it comes to advice, I can speak for so long but following my own is something I still struggle with to this day. I can tell you to repent and that Allah is all-forgiving but when it comes to me, I feel ashamed or monotone. But you know what? It’s still the best way. Call out to the Creator. He knows what’s in everyone’s hearts and he knows us better than we know ourselves. Let your heart out through praying. Confront your guilt. It’s the only and best way.
If I were to tell a psychologist how I was feeling, they’d tell me to leave what’s causing these thoughts. But no, if your heart is on the verge of opening out, let it. You’re almost there. Don’t accumulate your emotions and guilt. Call out to Him and He will guide you. I’m still a work in progress but we all are. We all have imperfections inside and out. We are flawed no matter what. Just learning to accept that and working towards improving yourself will -inshallah (if God wills)- bring you peace and reward in the hereafter.
Thank you so much for being open and sharing what you’re going through / have gone through, Bay. ❤ I’m praying that God will lead and guide you so that you will find peace and strength in Him. He’s there for you!
Please go check out Bayance’s blog for more of her posts.