Dear Past Relationships,
It was always my goal to give my 100%. For years, I’ve hoped that someone else I enjoyed spending time with would like me enough to give me their 100%, too.
Common interests was what used to hold those times of closeness together, and in the times in between, I’d remember the little things about each person.
I’d write down their birthdays as soon as they told me the date. I’d reach out to them to see how they were doing if I hadn’t heard from them in a while. I’d let them know I cared for them when they were sick or hurting.
I longed to find someone, honestly just one person, that could feel the same way about me that I do about people. I enjoy making people smile and laugh; I love knowing that my companionship means something to someone else; I adore being the person who’s willing to listen to what they’re going through and then be there for them.
I’ve done my best, since I was a preteen, to be loving and kind toward my “friends” …
And maybe that’s the issue.
I don’t dump my problems on my friends. I don’t push the courtesy limits and wait to respond to someone when they reach out to me. I don’t wait for months to send them presents, and I certainly don’t forget their birthdays.
I don’t take out a bad day on the people I care about, and maybe that’s what sets me apart.
Maybe people think I care too much, and that my signs of affection point toward clinginess, that I’m too good to be true. Do they really think I have ulterior motives? If they’d only see the person behind the screen who simply wants to be kind to others, maybe they’d understand.
Then again, maybe they don’t want to.
The friendships I’ve lost are not because the second party died. If any death happened, it was the abrupt and painful end of a friendship. People struggle to care for me like I care for them.
The only comfort I find during times like this is when I’m in the arms of my Savior. He is the One Who continually loves me, through every season of my life. He makes me feel special, wanted, set apart, and most of all, noticed. I don’t have to worry about how He sees me, because I know His care, mercy, and grace are eternal – they are pure and everlasting.
Countless times, I’ve given up on people … but the Lord will never give up on me.
I don’t want to deny friendships for good, but boy, do I feel close to doing so sometimes. I’ve learned to care for people until they no longer like or need me, which is a pretty tough place to be.
The hardest part of losing all these friendships is the fact that I did my best to keep them alive. I’d put in 200% at times, sacrificing my peace in one last attempt to give the other party the chance to resuscitate our relationship, only to find out they really didn’t care.
One thing I know for sure is this: I’m not going to let this reality of my life make my heart grow hard. I’m not going to allow this deep pain to change the fact that I want to care for people, that I care for them as long as they’ll let me. I’m going to rely on the Lord’s strength when someone’s unkindness starts to get to me … I won’t allow this world to make me mean.
I had to write this this morning to let out some of the pain that’s been on my heart these last several hours. Losing a friend will never get easier for me, and I was deeply saddened to see this one end.
Your comments would be much appreciated. 💖