The title of this post is based off the first lyric of a song I have loved for the past few months.
By grace alone,
somehow I stand,
where even angels fear to tread …
Invited by redeeming love,
Before the throne of God above …
Last night was by far the hardest night I have ever spiritually faced. I had come back into my bedroom to prepare for bed after having a conversation with my brother, and I could not have felt any further from the Lord.
What I had talked about with my brother left me feeling completely drained, because of where I had unintentionally veered the conversation. The more I said, the less I felt there is purpose in my life … and the more I believed there never would be.
He pulls me close,
with nail-scarred hands …
into His everlasting arms.
Many of the things I have desired and still desire in this life seem to take long periods of time to come to fruition. I ache from waiting, and struggle to see the beautiful, long thought-out reasons the Lord causes me to wait for things, to be still before Him and know that He is God.
I am constantly at a crossroad. Both ways lead to what I desire, but one is an agreeable distance, and the other seems to go on for miles. In fact, the latter seems to have no end, not one that is in sight, anyway. That’s the path the Lord calls me down, to trust in Him and the waiting.
Going my way – down the shorter path – will get me what I want right now, no strings attached. Or … so I think. I can’t fathom unforeseen details, situations and circumstances that only He knows.
So why can’t I trust Him?
When condemnation grips my heart,
and Satan tempts me to despair …
I hear the Voice that scatters fear …
the great I AM, the Lord, is here.
I hung back from writing this post this afternoon. I sat down at my desk to write, and couldn’t get what happened last night out of my head. I knew that to follow His leading, I had to be sharing this post today.
After that conversation with my brother, and I was alone in my room, something had changed. Everything in my room looked the same … because it was me that had changed. My eyes threatened tears, but none came.
I was deeply upset by the state of my life, mainly how I look at my future, which I often feel is nonexistent. The things I desire to be and have right now, are not present in my life, and I often convince myself they never will be.
I was so far in my thinking from the plans the Lord has that I had led myself to the edge of everything I know to be true.
I felt absolutely empty. The cup King David describes in Psalm 23 as running over … mine contained not even a single drop.
And it scared me.
There is a verse in Hebrews that has stuck with me for a very long time. The ending says this:
“…He [Jesus] was heard because of His reverence toward God [His godly fear, His piety, in that He shrank from the horrors of separation from the bright presence of the Father.” – Hebrews 5:7
During the times that I feel alone, because I have stepped so far away from my Lord and Savior, I feel empty and horrified. Being separated from that light … I am convinced that I have never felt anything more draining.
But it didn’t last long.
Oh, praise the One …
Who fights for me …
and shields my soul eternally.
He understands my shortcomings and everything that affects me. He knows absolutely everything there is to know about me – including the highest and lowest points in my entire life. He is fully equipped to lead me through the darkest valleys and across the mountain peaks of my existence … and through all the chaos, every tear I have ever said and every raw emotion that has seared through my conscience … He has been there through it all.
My life is full of many things … but I never desire disbelief to be one of them.
His extraordinary patience, love, and mercy is the reason I am not burdened by last night. He is the sole reason why my faith didn’t crash into the depths of hell at midnight on a sad Tuesday. When I found myself crying before falling asleep as I brought everything before Him, it was because of a release. He picked up the heavy weight that was on my shoulders and took them upon His own.
He is with us. And when we desire His love more than anything else, He always will be. If it takes me my entire life to realize that His plans for me are only good, I will still chase after Him with all that I am … for He is worthy of all my praise and so much more. By His grace alone is why I still stand.
I am honestly not sure how to end this post, as I am in tears yet again. ❤ But I would love to know in the comments below:
What times has the Lord brought you through?