Hi guys! I hope you’re having a beautiful weekend! Today, I’m here to talk about some things that have been on my heart recently, and they all happen to be topics I never bring up in the blogging world. That’s not to say I’ve been hiding them, because there are SO many things that we experience and feel, and it would be near impossible to write about them all! So, I’m here to be a bit vulnerable with you today, and I would love to connect with others who are going through something similar to what I’m experiencing right now! I’ll be here to support you (:
If you haven’t already scrolled down to see what the three things are (I know you totally did, lol), I’ll share them with you now!
1. I am extremely introverted and suffer from social anxiety.
Online, this personality trait doesn’t in any way shine through. I love reaching out to new bloggers all the time, and I enjoy having conversations with others via comments and/or email. To all the people who know me in real life, however, I am a different person. I’m beginning to think that maybe my blogger self (or the real life me, either way) is the other’s alter ego, they are such polar opposites! I struggle to have basic conversations with new people, I consistently go out of my way to avoid interaction with others when I’m out and about (i.e. choosing self-checkout instead of the regular register), and I especially feel awkward about striking up conversation with anyone outside of my family.
This is not because I’m lacking in social skills.
I’ve been bullied.
Since I was ten years old, I have been [periodically] dealing with cyberbullying, exclusion from church groups, and just your average bullying, too. People don’t like me, guys. lol But that’s not true about everyone! The nice people that I do meet, I struggle to get along with because I’m blaming myself for other people hating me without cause. lol I live a sad life, y’all.
But there’s hope!!
I am not staying in any social situation that’s bad for me. Family, friends, church … online, real life – if it affects me negatively, I leave it.
I am learning to see the abuse I have endured for what it is; a problem of the accuser, not my own. It’s not my fault; I am simply the target of their anger and depression.
The past is behind me. I desire to slowly get more comfortable reaching out to others in real life, in the smallest of ways, and letting whatever might come at me slide right off me.
I found a few books at the library yesterday that will help me with this!! If I enjoy reading them, you will most likely see a post or two on them in the future.
Now, on to my second point.
2. I have a sensory processing disorder.
Since childhood, I was known to respond to physical and audible stimuli more intensely than most. Loud sounds were very bothersome. I hated getting hurt. I was extremely ticklish and didn’t like being touched. I also found strong smells/odors very offensive and overwhelming. On the positive side, I was able to hear conversations that were being had in the house rooms away from where I was. I had a very good ear for the tones of voices and, over the years, have developed a strong ability to accurately impersonate many different people.
The traits that I mentioned above have carried over into my life as a young adult, as well. When it comes to how I react to being touched, hearing loud noises, and smelling something strong, as well, everything feels more intense to me than others. It is very bothersome, and as I am only just beginning to understand this about myself, it is quite hard to take in. Truthfully,
The fact that ‘disorder’ is in the official term was upsetting to me.
When I think of disorders, I don’t picture something like this. I see a disorder as something different from everyone else, and I don’t want to be different; I want to fit in. I suddenly felt like I was not like everyone else … but that isn’t the case at all.
I was beginning to let this shape the view I have of myself, instead of letting it be the answer to my problems.
When I realized that, I was instantly able to overcome that anxiety! I am so thankful that the Lord led me through this, because it got off to a rather rocky start. ❤
I found a book at the library on this subject, as well. (If you couldn’t already tell, this enlightening library visit is what prompted this post, haha!) I really hope that it helps me – I’m sure I’ll get at least a little something out of it! – and if I do, I’ll share my findings with you guys.
On to my third point. This is the most apparent one, as it has shown itself in little ways during my time of blogging!
3. I am a perfectionist.
Is this one a shocker?? Probably not, haha!! The May blogging challenge is proof of this – not the challenge itself, but keeping up with my normal post schedule most of those days, too! My mom pointed that fact out to me when I was later trying to figure out why I was so stressed throughout May, LOL.
But my perfectionism is not, and I repeat, not isolated to my blogging life.
If I’m going to play a game, or make a craft, or bake a cake, etc, the finished product has to be perfect, or I absolutely despise it and get upset at myself for failing my own unattainable goals. *sighs* The cycle is endless.
Instead of learning from past mistakes, I get upset at myself for what I just did!
I know that there are many other perfectionists out there, and that there are all forms and levels of it. The one thing I do know is that mine hinders my happiness in many ways, and that there are steps I can take at overcoming it – or, at the very least, toning it down.
If you guessed that I found a few book on perfectionism at the library, then you’re absolutely right, haha! I’m very excited about this one, actually – not because it’s more exciting than the other books I found, as they all look great, but I had no idea there were books like this out there! I can’t wait to read it!
Here’s the list of the books I found, if you’re interested in checking them out yourself:
- Quiet Influence: The Introvert’s Guide to Making a Difference by Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, PhD
- The Happy Introvert by Elizabeth Wagele
- The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide by Ted Zeff, PhD
- The Everything Guide to Coping with Perfectionism by Ellen Bowers, PhD
Thank you sooo much for reading today’s post! It gave me such joy to write all about this, and I would love to talk to you in the comments below. x